have i failed to impress you [entries|friends|calendar] mellamella // MYYYSPACEEEE PROOFFIILLEEE [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[Thursday Dec 27, 2007 ♥ 3:19 pm] ugggghhh asdoysiouahjiajdofhjdsklfbhjkldsah!!!!!! i wish i knew what it would take to make me happy. i wish i knew where to go and what to do with my life. i don't even know what else to say for myself. 2♥ CMNT

[Monday Jul 2, 2007 ♥ 7:31 pm] no, i'm not jealous of you. i'm just incredibly pissed that you're so happy with your life. you're one of those people who deserve to be miserable. now that's said, i can move onto what's going on in my life. i visited breann last week and rob and meghan were there as well. i loved seeing my loves again. i'm so excited to go live in the dorms at shasta and have a great time with meghan. other than that, susanville is the most boring place i could be at this point. i'm so happy to get outta here. ... maybe we have different views of what loyalty means. 2♥ CMNT

[Monday Mar 5, 2007 ♥ 9:52 am] [ mood | rejected ] [ music | tilly and the wall ] i get creeped out when i meet somebody who looks like or reminds me of mark growden. he's seriously the only guy who has ever had that effect on me. matt mcclain i can handle, matt mcclain is a little boy. i fall in love with every guy who reminds me of or looks like a certain exboyfriend of mine. i also fall in love with every guy that treats his girlfriend like a princess because brennan doesn't treat me that way. sometimes i feel like brennan hates that i'm fat and that's why he doesn't treat me how i imagine a boyfriend would treat his girlfriend. maybe i'm just being dramatic. i'm not happy in my relationship because it's lacking, but if i break it off i'll have nothing. so let's keep pretending that everything is okay. i want my 18th birthday to be the best birthday i've ever had. i have a feeling it's not going to turn out that way. maybe i won't throw a party, it's too much of a hassle for me to plan a party for myself. i suppose it will be just me and breann and meghan in reno since rob won't be around. ps. i had a dream last night. it was weird and a very accurate version of a dream situation, so i'm not going to share it. 1♥ CMNT

can i be your favorite mistake? [Sunday Jan 7, 2007 ♥ 12:21 pm] why did she make him fall in love with her? i try to let her think he doesn't like her as much as he does, but really it kills me how much he is attracted to her compared to me. these are such OLD feelings and they're still swimming in my brain like they were created yesterday. anyway it's not like it matters. he's gone, and i've got brennan. it seems bon loves me more now than ever. he wants to get an apartment and move forward in our life together. i seriously think i'm falling in love with him, again. when my feelings are this strong for him i wonder if i'll ever be able to fulfill my dreams. i really just want to be all his. i bet i could still model if he and i stay together, and that's really all i want to do. so close to 18. so close to living my own life and making my own decisions. it's exciting and very very intimidating at the same time. who wants to help me live up the last 3 months of my youth? 2♥ CMNT

[Friday Dec 15, 2006 ♥ 11:57 pm] brennan and i "went on a break." i always knew that once we broke up, it'd be for good. i didn't know he was actually going to want that. i want to tell him i still love him, that i don't want to be without him. i know i have to be stronger than that, i have to get over it and pretend it never effected me. i know we'll be friends, even if it isn't until i get over us not being together. my heart did break a little, but i think it will get better. this is a chance for me to be stronger, nicer, happier, and more focused. i almost wish that when you lose someone, every tie to them would disapear forever, just like they never happened. life would be MUCH easier this way. i'm not hungry, not tired, not anything but weak and alone. i wish i wasn't so weak. ( this proves i can get over it ) i can't believe he broke up with me on my best friend's bday, when she's far far away from me. at least there's jeff, he'll keep my self esteem level until i get stronger (i hope). 3♥ CMNT

[Saturday Nov 11, 2006 ♥ 1:02 am] i need to make a christmas list so everyone knows what i want. ear muffs mittens clothes jewelry: neckklaces, earrings dvds moenyyyy$$$ hair curlers weight loss an ipod scarves purses the sims 2 expansion packs scrapbooking stuff motivation makeup a haircut music editing software video editing software photoshop!! people i need to buy for : brennan molly meghan breann mom dad tilly kelsianne brennan's family CMNT

i've been hanging on [Friday Nov 10, 2006 ♥ 11:58 pm] figured out what i'm getting bran muffin for her bday. i hope she loves it. cuz i will too. and i'll be able to get her the other thing for christmas. perfect. :) i'm boreddddddddddddd and lost. i need to move out before i tell my mom that i'm going to quit college. home life will only get worse. like telling her i'm gay or something. ( beautiful ) it's love. CMNT

[Tuesday Oct 3, 2006 ♥ 10:37 am] i really really really hope i'm jumping to conclusions. i can't deal with shit like this anymore. it will be way too much to handle. pleasepleaseplease be something else. PLEASE! came home last night instead of party. i was tired. i think i'm going to regret that decision. i always do. i should just go and have fun. no i'm a baby, so i sleep instead. 2♥ CMNT

oh boy [Monday Oct 2, 2006 ♥ 12:10 pm] how do i miss molly? let me count the ways. infinity. it's raining. it's beautiful. so still, all you hear is pitter patter. brennan and i sat on the porch and smoked while enjoying the rain. it's the weather that makes you want to forget your obligations and just relax. enjoy the beauty of it. the only thing i don't like about it is the fact that my car has no back window. someone join me for enjoying the weather. i'll be at home all day. CMNT

[Tuesday Sep 26, 2006 ♥ 11:29 pm] i'm not getting what i want in life. everyone knows that i'm not happy unless i get what i want. i don't want to be unhappy with my relationships. i don't want to be unmotivated. i don't want to be poor. i want love. with everything. romance, heart to hearts, being completely comfortable, him actually caring that i have amazing taste in music. flowers, love letters, surprises. i want great friendships. where we can depend on eachother. sincerely love eachother. give eachother anything we might need, or want. and being able to throw damn good parties for eachother. i want to succeed. i want to be motivated. i want to be able to see the future in getting a job. and i want to work hard in school. i'd also love to have a great style. it's hard when i'm fat. damn it. how do i get myself these things? HELP. ps. breann and meghan got me very, very sick. i guess no school tomorrow. "thumbs down" 2♥ CMNT

[Tuesday Sep 12, 2006 ♥ 9:04 pm] today my mother said that brennan and i should just get married and get a house/apartment together. wtf? i'm looking for something. something i've never had before. something i'll love. something that will let me be happy. the boy i love doesn't know how to treat me the right way. the man i could love won't treat me the right way. "we'll get over it, sad strong safe and sober. we'll move forward and know where we went wrong." music is beautiful. life is beautiful. i want. i need. i love. i hate. i'm yours. i'm not. CMNT

[Tuesday Sep 12, 2006 ♥ 10:22 am] [ mood | confused ] [ music | addicted. alice in videoland. ] 1.Where did you take your default pics? my bedroom 2.What are you wearing right now? sweats and a tank 3.What is your current problem? i plan on ditching school and work today but i don't know what i'm going to do instead 4.Who makes you most happy? molly, meghan, breann, brennan, and occasionally mark. 5.What's the name of the song that you're listening to? i don't know but it's a music video and the guy singing looks like a makeupless courtney love. 6.Has anyone you've been really close with passed away? not really. 7.Do you ever watch MTV? occasionally 8.What's something that really annoys you? being told how i feel, or what i'm doing. i'm doing or feeling it, i already know. ----------------------------------------------------------- Chapter 1: 1.Middle name: miura 2.Nickname(s): mella, smelly, mel v, melvin 3.Current location: my bedroom 4.Eye color: green ----------------------------------------------------------- Chapter 2: 1.Do you live with your parents? yes 2.Do you get along with your parent(s) sometimes 3.Are your parents married/separated/divorced? married 4.Do you have any Siblings?: 6. michael, matthew, mitch, ashley ----------------------------------------------------------- Chapter 3: Favorite... 1. Ice Cream: anything with brownie chunks. or black cherry rite aid ice cream. 2. Season: autumn 3. Song: portions for foxes by rilo kiley or adventure by byop ----------------------------------------------------------- Chapter 4: Do You.. 1.Write on your hand: "life is a beautiful thing" 2.Call people back: maybe 3.Believe in love: sure 4.Sleep on a certain side of the bed: nope 5. Have any bad habits anything to do with my oral fixation. ---------------------------------------------------------- Chapter 5: Have You... 1.Broken a bone: no 2.Sprained anything? my ankle 3.Had physical therapy?: yep 4.Gotten stitches: nope, i fell out of my crib once and my two front teeth came through my lip. my parents just put a bandaid over it. 5.Taken painkillers? yep 6.Gone SCUBA diving or snorkeling: no 8.Thrown up at the dentist: no 9.Sworn in front of your parents?. accidently 10.Had detention: yeah 11.Been sent to the principal's office: yeah when i got in an arguement with a girl --------------------------- Chapter 6: Who/What was the last 1.Movie(s): half baked 2.Person to text you?: brennan 3.Person you called: my momma 4.Person you hugged?: meghan or brennan 5.Person you tackled?: brennan probably 6.Thing you touched?: the mouse 7.Thing you ate?: cereal 8.Thing you drank?: diet pepsi 9.Thing you said?: ok bye. CMNT

[Monday Sep 11, 2006 ♥ 10:30 am] the future is unpredictable. no matter what, it always will be. you'll never know what will happen tomorrow, even tomorrow. (i don't know when i wrote that, it was an autosaved draft, but it's true.) i have so many strange things going through me. feelings, thoughts, needs, desires. internally, i'm focused on all these things. on me. for the first time in forever it seems. i wish i could be focused on my friends and my boyfriend. they need me right now. they need some attention and care and love. it's hard, i love the independence i have felt. the independence i gave myself. i let myself do whatever i think is best for me. it's important to have that. it's important to think for yourself. make your own decisions. know what's good and what's bad. not depending on anybody else to make you feel alright. my only weakness is mark. i love his company because he makes me feel the best i've ever felt. beautiful. important. special. i shouldn't depend on him to feel this way, but he's the only person who can do it. i've never felt more beautiful. i don't know how he does it. i feel that mark and i make great friends. any more than that wouldn't be a great idea probably. he's a wise man. he's deep and passionate and smart and a great person. i love him, not romantically. i don't know. life is a mystery. CMNT

[Thursday Jul 13, 2006 ♥ 6:06 pm] molly's gone to germany. brennan's probably dead in a ditch somwhere between here and portland. meghan's across the country. i thought i'd be all alone once molly left. but heaven sent me two angels by the name of chelsea and adrienne who invited me to the lake with them today. we're about to go see the lake house in a little bit. i'm missing molly already. i hope i'm not too miserable without her. i went on a bike ride yesterday. the pain that the bike caused in my nether regions doesn't exactly make me anxious to get back on. i had a dream about DC last night. i was kind of pregnant and he punched me in the stomach. it's weird how once i have a dream about somebody, they become one of my main thoughts for a long time. it was a bad idea to have a dream about him. bad bad idea. love MELLA 1♥ CMNT

[Thursday Jun 1, 2006 ♥ 9:18 am] that's it. i finally hit the limit. it's time for a big change, melissa. you aren't controlling your environment. get control. BUHBYE FATTYYYYYYYYYYYYY i'm really sick. it sucks. i literally didn't go to bed at all last night. i've been awake since at least 8am yesterday. i wish i had money to go buy a red bull. 1♥ CMNT

[Thursday May 25, 2006 ♥ 7:45 pm] it doesn't bother me as much as it should. but enough i guess. brennan's so great to me. he's definitely been better. it's easier to imagine us working out at least as long as he stays here. i miss molly, i wish she could come out and play with meghan and i. GET YOUR WORK DONE WOMAN! aced my psych final. hoping to pass my others. out of lcc in a year? i'm thinking so. WOOHOO EIGHTEEEEEEEN AND OUTTA MAH HOUSE! CMNT

[Tuesday Apr 25, 2006 ♥ 9:04 am] i have to give an informative speech tomorrow night and i have yet to even research it. i've had three weeks. THREE! i'm so lazy. the summer weather has just thrown me off. i went to bon's to get some notes, but i fell asleep for a little bit and woke up at 10:30 and had to get home, so i forgot the notes. and my belt. now i have a wonderful psych class to get to, who knows what interesting things we will learn today. my room is disgusting, but considering cleaning it seems pointless. i have earrings in my ears, REAL EARRINGS!! i'm excited for prom. except reno might be a little weird, considering i'll be one of the only 'sober' people. bon's not even going to reno. ugh. 2♥ CMNT

kjsakljklsajdklsajds [Sunday Apr 23, 2006 ♥ 2:34 pm] it sucks that everything turned out this way. the past few months has been a push and pull for prom. as much as i want to go, i'm not going to deal with all this. why can't you just try and have fun no matter what, and deal with the drama later? who knew PROM would turn into such a big deal. i can't wait until i'm done with this childish highschool drama we are always dealing with. okay my mood is lifted, ten things i hate about you is on tv. and oddly enough, it's at the prom scene. aaaah the good old days. CMNT

[Monday Apr 10, 2006 ♥ 10:28 am] m. mcclain has completely screwed me up for the rest of my life. i'm NEVER going to be the same, look at others the same, or think the same. i don't know what to do. i want to be fixed. i don't want to worry all the time. or have nightmares. fix me. please. 2♥ CMNT

nightmares [Friday Mar 31, 2006 ♥ 8:52 am] i can't stop dreaming. i had another strange dream last night, too strange for my liking. first molly, rob, and i were walking to school we had heard that mcclain was in town so we were very cautious. a little ways away we saw him standing out front, so i said i'd go home and moll and rob said they would go with me. as soon as we reached my (old) house, we locked all the doors. in the middle of the night molly and i thought we'd go for a walk by meadow view. walking down the middle of the street being very cautious as to not see mcclain. molly had just turned the corner when i fell and he appeared by my side. i couldn't move and he was laughing a horrible laugh and i was scared to death. molly came back and dragged me away. brennan and i thought we'd go to his sister's house. she had two babies, a boy and a girl. brennan and i sat and watched tv with the little girl and his sister's husband. brennan's mom came over and said they were all going to reno, so brennan and i left. we saw this soda machine and we stopped to get change, somebody i knew came up to me and gave me british checks worth like 80 dollars. brennan took me to the park where molly and everybody was. as we looked over this cliff into this pond we saw swimming ducks, some in wheelchairs. this man said that we could swim with the ducks if we wanted, so i thought i would. i climbed in the water and swam and just before i got out i could see a horrifyed look on everyone's face. i quickly got out and saw a dead body floating on the dirty water. when brennan annd i returned to his sister's house we forgot to lock the doors. brennan was in the backroom with his brother in law as i watched the babies. mcclain walks into the house swearing one of my babies is his and he has to be allowed to see it. scared out of my mind i didn't know what to do. i woke up. 4♥ CMNT

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